‘We are dealing with the dead, but the funeral is really for the living’
SILENCE hangs thick in the air as the photo of a young man flashes across the screen. Where the face once was is now nothing but bloodied flesh, a gaping wound blown so wide open that it left not a single feature between the forehead and chin. Only the ears hung from the side.
Embalmer and Funeral Director, John Reed continues to have the audience in the hall rapt in attention as he gives a step-by-step account of how he reconstructed the gunshot victim’s face.
“Most of the skin was there, folded back but still attached. What wasn’t there was the bony structure.”
“So we put in the padding, fill it up and then it’s just a matter of bringing the skin back together. We used a lot of suture,” Reed says as the next photo shows the same man, this time with an identifiable, almost perfect face.
In places like West Virginia, the United States, where Reed is from and where open casket viewing is common, what Reed has done matters to the families of the deceased.
Being able to view the body of a loved one resting in peace is in itself part of the grieving and healing process for many.
The death of a loved one impacts us in a way like no other. As one observer puts it, we hurt — in profound, fundamental and long lasting ways.
The emotional being in us finds various methods to cope, but the best way to mend the heart, says Funeral Director, Patrick Lynch, is still to grieve.
“We grieve because we love. We cannot eliminate it.
“So we learn to incorporate it in a way that we can eventually grow from and live with.”
“And that’s the work of the Funeral Director.”
Lynch, whose family has been operating a funeral home in Michigan for three generations, and Reed were in Hong Kong recently to attend a Funeral Trade Meet.
A recurring theme throughout the three-day Asia Funeral Expo was perhaps one of the most overlooked aspects of the bereavement care service — that it is intended for the living as much as it is for the dead.
Malaysia’s Frank Choo says: “We are dealing with the dead, but the funeral is really for the living.
“The living need answers. Questions like ‘Where do the deceased go?’ and ‘What happens next?’ are not uncommon.”
Choo, Managing Director of Xiao En Group which operates the Nilai Memorial Park, says the uncertainty sparked by a lack of understanding can be reduced if the subject of death is made less taboo.
For this reason, Xiao En occasionally organizes public talks on bereavement related topics under its cultural arm.
It is also the reason why Frontline, one of America’s leading documentary makers, came up with The Undertaking, a touching show which depicts behind-the-scenes workings of a funeral home.
Filmed two years ago in Lynch’s Funeral Home, the Emmy Award Winner is not just the most responded to film, but the most positively responded to film in the 25-year history of the filmmaking company.
“It depicts what it’s like real time – real funeral, real people, real grief. It has a powerful impact,” says Lynch.
The Undertaking, based upon a book of the same title by Lynch’s brother,Thomas, has been viewed by over 35 million people.
The success of its reception prompted the National Funeral Directors Association and University of Michigan to develop a study guide, which has been used by just about anyone — universities, mortuary schools, church groups, professional groups — to approach the topic of death.
“Most people don’t talk about death. When you’re thinking about your mortality, it’s uncomfortable,” says the Association’s Chief Executive Officer, Christine Pepper.
“I remember some people I met on flights, when told where I work, would literally shift into their chair and not talk to me.”
“But when movies like The Undertaking and Six Feet Under came out, it was amazing. People started talking about death and funerals.
“They gave people the permission to talk and educate them that it’s not morbid, and that it’s very much a natural part of life.”
“It shouldn’t be something you’re afraid to talk about.”
As recent as 30 years ago, Americans were encouraged to contain their grief.
“I think the men who came home after the war wanted to protect their children from any pain, so they avoided the topic of death,” says Lynch.
“The baby boomers was the generation who was kept away from death and dying. Made to almost fear them.”
Because of that, when death happened, that generation was ill equipped to cope.
Consequently, they realised they didn’t want to do the same to their children, so they brought them to funerals and to see the dead.
“They teach their children that they can experience it and still be okay.”
There are many things one could get out of a funeral by making something positive out of the inevitable, the most precious being a sense of closure, perhaps.
Some people choose not to hold services as they don’t want to remember a loved one that way — in a casket.
But studies have shown that in the long run, these people have a longer grieving process, are more depressed and never really got over the death of the person because there is no closure.
“I’ve seen this happen to some friends. Those who have not had a visitation have a really difficult time with it even after years,” says Pepper.
Choo echoes Pepper’s sentiments, adding that a well-arranged funeral gives a lasting, comforting impression.
Some of life’s biggest occasions may be dealt with a second chance in the event of a bad start, weddings including, but there’s no turning back for a bad funeral.
“When we pay due respect to the deceased, these thoughts will be with the family forever. That’s how they heal.”
In some countries, a tertiary education of up to six years is prerequisite to becoming a Funeral Director.
While there are no mortuary schools in Malaysia, Xiao En’s Nancy Choo is contented with having dedicated staff.
“Not everyone is cut out for this. The perfect candidate is someone who has the ‘heart’. Technical know-how can be acquired through training but not traits like care, sincerity and respect.”
“The staff treat every funeral like their first, and the deceased as someone dear because everyone deserves a dignified funeral and a good final resting place,” says the sales and marketing director.
As people who see death every other day, how do Funeral Directors come to grip with the stress of the job?
“You just have to distance yourself,” says Johannesburg’s Dr Lawrence Konyana, who is also a forensic doctor.
“It’s especially difficult for me if it involves babies, but somehow you just need to not get too involved.”
For some, it has changed their perspective of life.
“You take things more gently, more relaxed, because you understand,” says Choo.
For most, though, satisfaction in helping others get over one of life’s most difficult moments is the driving force.
Reed really believes in all the embalming and reconstructive surgeries he performs on the departed.
“I think we make a difference to families. We really impact how they deal with it.
“If we do our job, we can make it so much easier for them to accept the death as closure.”
A funeral, says Lynch, is when “heaven and earth come closer together than any other time in our human existence”.
“And we, as funeral directors, are so privileged to occupy that space.
“It’s important that the funeral get the dead where they need to go and the living where they need to be.
“This work is a gift, a privilege. It’s beyond measure.”
(Source: New Sunday Times, June 7,009)
